Andy (The Book)

Chapter 2

Andy, like some D.I.D.'s, had collected dolls, or "mono's" as he called them, to represent all the primary alters. Grenudo and Limpio were Raggedy Andy dolls that he'd had all his life. They were very well worn, having been carried everywhere with Andy for over 20 years. Wisdom was a stuffed owl. We recognized that he was not an alter, because he doesn't have a story of abuse like Limpio and Grenudo. He says he's there to guide Andy and the other alters. He's also known as the judge. Rhonda, Yvonne, Pops and Anne are all guides. John and Samantha are guardian angels. More will come about them later. 

At his mom's home in *Oakdale, he had numerous other monos. Pop's and Anne were Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls, but larger then Limpio and Grenudo. Pop's real name is Andy and he is bald. He's also relatively fluent in Spanish, which has turned out to be very useful. He and Anne are the parents of Limpio and Grenudo who are brothers. Limpio and Grenudo are only a year apart in ages and approximately the same age as Andy himself. Sam and Sambo are their younger twin brothers. Andy's little sister had attempted to flush Sambo down the toilet a couple of times, and it showed. They were 12 years old when I met them and their mono-bodies were smaller version Raggedy Andy dolls. Their mono-bodies also have black eyes which Andy says is from wrestling with each other. Annie was their 8 year old sister and a Raggedy Ann doll of the same size as Sam and Sambo. They all left Oakdale and came to live with us during those first couple of years. When we lived near a school bus stop, Andy used to watch the younger ones get on the school bus every morning with the children the rest of us could see. Annie was a straight 'A' student, so I gave her my pin from when I was in National Honor Society. 

Limpio married Heidi, who was a doll from my childhood. He found her in my cedar chest. She became an alter too. Limpio and Heidi had a baby, also an alter. Their baby was named "Lita", short for Carmalita. Her mono-body was a tiny Raggedy Ann doll about 3" high, that Andy found among his toys in Oakdale. Heidi was missing an arm and Lita was missing a leg. We decided it was a birth defect inherited, or course, from her mother. I made Lita a new leg and she became a brave girl by learning to walk despite her handicap. 

Grenudo married Yvonne, a large white stuffed bear of mine. When I did therapy at the mental health center in Florida, Yvonne was my assistant. She was cuddly when clients needed a hug, and she could be punched, when clients needed to vent anger or frustration. She became a guide like Wisdom. Yvonne and Grenudo had a baby named "Melda", short for Esmerelda. Andy found a tiny little pink bear to represent her, a perfect blend of Grenudo's red hair and Yvonne's white fur. 

At first Andy couldn't hear Melda or Lita so he asked me to talk for them. There was no one to advise us if this was healthy, and it became a game. I rather invented the personalities of these two young cousins as they interacted. Lita was hyperactive, precocious and often in trouble for little things. Melda was calm and a stabilizing influence. Eventually I chose to talk less for them, and Andy started hearing them on his own, at which time they became full alters. 

Andy's doctor at Pinion Hospital had brought back Sam and Sambo and helped them understand how they were here to help Andy. He also found out that "No Name's" real name was Arthur. Arthur never meant to hurt anyone, he just didn't know what was going on or what he was supposed to do. He became an ally. We later found that he had a son, Arthur Jr., who was represented by a small stuffed Panda Bear. 

This might be the point at which I need to discriminate between primary and non-primary alters. I won't say secondary or tertiary, because that distinction is hard to make. But primary alters, like Limpio and Grenudo, are always there. They were also the first ones to learn to fully integrate. Integration, is much like it sounds. They integrate themselves fully into Andy's life, they become him, no longer separate from him. None of them stay integrated all the time. Then there are alters who become very involved in Andy's life only at specific times. They may integrate, or they may leave. For example, Gregory, the black chef, has a home in the Bahamas. He comes if Andy needs him, but he really doesn't like the cold weather. Gregory doesn't have a mono-body, but Andy says he looks just like the man on the Cream of Wheat box. 

Pops and Anne have a retirement home in Hawaii. They had become rather annoying, blurting out inappropriately in public, so I suggested maybe they could just retire. By this time, all their children were pretty much grown and I saw no reason they shouldn't take a break. Andy asked them where they wanted to live and they said Hawaii. So he built them a home through visualization. Andy is incredible at visualizing, a strength that I understand is quite common to D.I.D.'s. Andy sees Anne in a bikini, sitting by the beach in front of their house with a volcano in the background. Pops returns to us often though, because he helps out a lot with the children alters. 

We moved when the landlord's son put a new mobile home next door and insisted upon putting a burning barrel only inches from our house. He wouldn't let me take his trash to town with mine, and he burned everything, plastics included. I have asthma, plus I can't tolerate insensitive snobs. It was kill him or move. Since I knew I'd never survive incarceration, I opted for moving. We moved back into town, where we settled for $100 more in rent per month. It was a large, century old home that was converted to apts., quite a common type building in that town. 

We came to love the place, once we learned to communicate with the couple upstairs, young students from the University. I liked walking places in town. The streets had sidewalks lined with trees and traffic moved slowly. But we caught the landlord hitting our dog and he'd lied about the yard we could use for her. Plus, the place always smelled funny. I had him take up the carpet in the room right outside the kitchen, but the smell didn't go away. Eventually, when another tenant complained of sewage in the basement, he discovered that the sewage pipes under our apt. had completely disintegrated. All the sewage from three apts. had been settling under our dining room for many, many years. We moved to *Oakdale for a few days, to stay with Andy's mom. The landlord pumped the sewage out the window, under my clothesline and all over the planters where I had tomatoes growing. Then he replaced the pipes. We moved back. But there was something wrong and the pipes couldn't handle it. Our toilet began to spout sewage, several feet into the air and the bathtub filled with sewage. We'd been physically sick for months and now we knew why. We'd already paid our rent so there was no money. We were homeless. 

We love Andy's mom, but she isn't easy to be around for very long, plus we had doctor's appointments in where we lived. But we were far too sick to sleep in the car. It was a very rough time, to say the least. After about 6 weeks, we managed to get emergency housing in public housing. Because we weren't married, and our mental health required Andy to have his own room, we got a two bedroom apt. They robbed us the day we moved in. They took all my tools and the tool chest, my TV set, my stereo, and numerous things of value. We didn't know that we'd moved into the roughest neighborhood in town. It was nicknamed "Little Juarez". Andy was terrorized by the gangsters, alcoholics and drug addicts, that leaned against our building every day, all day and night. One day, when I had left him home alone, they'd sat on the steps, harassing him and he was locked in the bathroom for hours. 

People only develop alters if they are abused at a very young age. Sources differ, some say 6 years, some say 4 years. Abuse, at an older age, is generally coped with differently. But once a person learns to cope by developing alters, they will continue to cope by developing alters. Certainly some of Andy's alters came about as a result of living in "Little Juarez". 

The housing office moved us to a "better neighborhood". There were no two bedroom apts. available, but they were able to give us two one bedroom apts. in the same neighborhood. Rent was determined by income, so it didn't matter. We paid the same rent whether we had a two bedroom apt., a one bedroom apt. or two one bedroom apts. We set up my apt. as the basic living area. Andy was afraid to sleep in his own apt., at the time, he needed me near if he had nightmares. So, his apt. became his time-out area. He put his TV and his video games there. But it didn't take the gangsters long to know where he was and they waited to jump him when he went to his apt., at night, to play video games. They started shooting at our car whenever he was driving it. We were afraid to go anywhere after dark. His apt. became storage and we were forced into living in mine. Eventually some local teenagers talked Andy into loaning them the key to his apt. and they took over. We were afraid to go anywhere too, because the windows didn't have screens and some didn't even lock. It was common practice for children in the area to come home from school and enter their apts. through the windows. People didn't need keys. 

I'd been running the local chapter of the Mental Health Association for about a year, but now it was too much for me. Taking care of Andy and keeping us safe, was more then I could handle. My physical health was deteriorating and the only thing keeping me sane was the knowledge that Andy needed me. 

Andy had also had his first heart attack the year before. His medical doctor said it was caused by all the years of anti-psychotic medications. He said he couldn't be the one to take him off the medication, but he would die, if he continued to take it. His doctor at *Pinion Hospital had said that a low dose was optional, if Limpio needed it, but it wasn't necessary. The psychiatrists at local mental health were in disagreement. Unfortunately Andy couldn't choose his psychiatrist. He quit going to mental health completely. We started our search for a lawyer to sue mental health. Two of the psychiatrists agreed that Andy was D.I.D., after hearing what I had to say and what the doctors from Pinion Hospital and the state hospital reported. One psychiatrist was reluctant to agree, but eventually did. The fourth psychiatrist, currently assigned to Andy's care, disagreed. He threatened to court order Andy to take injections of anti-psychotic medications, despite the medical doctors insistence that it would kill him. Fortunately, the objections of social workers succeeded in overriding his attempts at obtaining the court order. Social workers, many who'd known Andy for years, were impressed by the progress he'd been making despite lack of help from professionals. He was now free of interference from mental health. 

It was during this time, that we met Lorraine, the unlicensed therapist mentioned earlier. Lorraine inspired complete trust in Andy and she was very patient. She seemed to recognize, just how fast he could progress. She also managed to help encourage me in my support of him. She knew I was reaching the end of my rope and needed help too. We had her home phone number for when we needed it, which we often did. 

 New alters were surfacing almost daily now. Many came out angry, and I hid in the closet. Several of them forced Andy to attempt suicide, generally finding a bottle of pills to swallow. I became frantic, screaming for Grenudo and others to make him throw up. He eventually would. 

Some of them came out frightened and lost. They didn't know where they were, who I was, why they were here, or even who Andy was. Most of these alters had come out once or twice when Andy was a child. They'd helped him through some terrible event, then left, to stay hidden, deep within him ever since. 

It was happening too fast, I was losing my mind. I returned to the behavior of my childhood, pulling out my hair by the handfuls, hitting my head on the wall, cowering in the back of the closet. I began to have flashbacks to my childhood, thinking my Dad was looking for me, with the belt, to punish me for some unexplained crime I'd committed. About that time, Lorraine's roommate started refusing to put calls through to her, or give her messages. She even lied and told Lorraine we'd canceled appointments when the opposite was true, we'd been trying to reach her for days. Then Lorraine disappeared completely from our lives. We later found out that she'd been hospitalized for months with Lyme disease and her roommate was supposed to have told us. But it was too late for her to ever have Andy's trust again. 

I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't had to pull myself together for Andy. Besides dealing with the new alters, Annie, Sam and Sambo had to relive their abuse with Andy. They were all raped by Andy's father. I sat by Andy as he thrashed about on the bed crying in little Annie's voice, begging Daddy not to do it anymore 'cause it hurt. Then he went through it again, crying in Little Sam's voice, and later in Little Sambo's voice. It about tore my heart out. 

We found out that alters have birthdays after major milestones such as that and eventually they grow up. In a very short time, most of the original alters became the same age as Andy himself. But then new alters, most of them children, would appear and it would start over. 

Gradually there came a time, when Grenudo became a counselor or therapist to new alters as they came along. It was a great relief to me. Alters began to have groups that met and different alters graduated to the level of therapist. 

I remembered distinctly the day Vincent appeared. Andy was lying, huddled, on the couch. He was looking around, like he was lost, a frightened look in his eyes. I approached and realized, whoever this was, he had no idea who I was and he was terrified. I moved cautiously, like I was nearing an injured animal. I asked "Do you know where you are?" He moved his head slowly side to side. After a few carefully worded questions, I determined he had no idea who he was, where he was, or why he was here. He didn't even know Andy or any of the other alters. He spoke only in a very soft whisper and it was hard to hear him. I called forth Grenudo and introduced them. Grenudo said he'd take care of him and for me not to worry. 

Vincent eventually became an active alter, though he continued to speak only in a whisper. We found a brown stuffed bear to represent him. He eventually became a companion to Annie, though they didn't marry for several years. They had both been severely sexually abused and were afraid of physical intimacy. About 3 1/2 years later they married and had a baby girl they named Stacey. 

Some alters are very young when they first appear, and sometimes they come out in small groups. Barbara and Angela came out together. They were both frightened baby girls. Toby and Arthur Jr. also came out together. They were both angry teenagers when they appeared. 

One day Andy and I went for a drive in the mountains towards Taos. We stopped by the roadway where a beautiful river ran rapidly with early spring snowmelt. There was some snow on the ground and it was still a little chilly. Toby took over Andy's body and ordered me to leave Daisy, my dog, tied to a tree. He didn't like dogs and he'd decided that Daisy wasn't coming home with us. I wouldn't leave without her. We argued and I moved away, upstream from him to try and hide. The next thing I knew, Andy was in the river, bouncing off boulders, as the water rushed him along. He was yelling something, but I couldn't catch up to him, the river was way to fast. Finally he caught onto a branch and pulled himself out of the freezing water. He told me that the alters had argued and Toby pushed Grenudo into the river. There was more arguing until Toby was subdued. Then Annie came out and rushed to Daisy, crying and hugging her. Annie took Daisy to the car and told her she'd never let those mean boys hurt her again. 

Sometimes alters are related. Limpio, Grenudo, Sam, Sambo, Annie, Anne and Pops are all family. Another example is Clara and Rhonda who are sisters. Both are represented by stuffed white bears. They'd been with us for about a year, when they told us they had a sister named Dolores. We went to the store and looked at white bears until one of them appeared to reach out to us. We knew she was Dolores. Clara's the oldest of these sisters. She married Sam and they have a baby named Sam Jr. Rhonda often acts silly, but she's very responsible. She was eventually elected to the office of Judge, when Wisdom became semi-retired. He stays near 'cause he's a guide. But he's only her assistant, her decision is final when it comes to punishment. Over the first year that she was judge, I'd swear the expression on that stuffed bear changed. She really does look serious and somewhat stressed. Alters are punished for anything they do that adversely effects Andy's mental or physical health or mine. There are also lawyers to help argue an alter's case, if necessary. Mandy and Brandi are lawyers, though their demeanor is far from lawyer-like. Mandy likes to mock and tease, especially me. Brandi is kind of loud and likes to remind people that she's black. There are other black alters too, such as Gregory the chef, and the black King who comes at Christmas time to give Pops spending money only the alters can spend. 

Meanwhile, both of us had begun doing volunteer work with the local non-profit that assisted with spaying, neutering and foster care of dogs and cats. We'd had a flyer on their bulletin board for months, looking for a home in the country where we could have lots of animals. We couldn't afford much, as we lived on disability and most of our money went to doctor bills. We were told our dream had come true, but we'd been lied to before. 

The organization, obtained the house next to its thrift store. We were told they would rent it because it included 5 1/2 acres of land in a central location. The object was to build kennels for stray dogs until homes were found or until they could be taken to Colorado where homes were plentiful. We could have the house for the same rent as we paid in city housing and all we'd have to do was to help care for the animals. 

The house was larger then we needed, but that's okay. And it was very run down. A lot of work had to be done to make the place livable. Luckily my mother had just sold our family home and I'd received $10,000 from its sale. I spent most of it on the house. We spent two weeks fixing the place up and had just about emptied the apts. in city housing when we were told it wasn't working. We had to leave. Luckily we still had the key to one of the apts. and we stuffed most of our belongings back into it. Not everything would fit. We had once been two households, plus we'd purchased things for the new larger home. We were told to use the attic of the house for storage as long as we wanted and that we could come and go as we pleased. We gave away all our houseplants and locked 1/3 of our belongings in the attic. The following week the lock was changed on the attic and we never saw those belongings again. 

Andy's little girl alters had been given kittens of their very own. It broke my heart when I had to tell them they couldn't keep them. City housing allowed only one pet and we already had a dog. Then housing announced that the rules had changed, our dog wasn't allowed anymore either. 

We figured that *Sally, the woman who ran the organization, was afraid of Andy's alters. We think that Sandra, a so-called friend of mine, had called her and told her not to trust us. Sandra was mad at me because I refused to take her advice to leave Andy. 

I’d written several grants for the non-profit and I know at least two were approved. Several years later I learned Sally was being investigated for mismanagement of grant funds. I told the people who brought the investigation that I’d be glad to come back once she was gone. 

Our situation was made known at mental health and it happened that one of the case manager's had a house in the country for rent. Andy was happy because we would be 20 miles from the gangsters in town. We had the dog still, and when mice started appearing we were allowed to get a new kitten. The landlord didn't much believe in pets, but we could have farm animals. Neither of us knew anything about farm animals, but eventually we acquired a baby goat and a baby sheep. Both needed special care to survive their first winter. 

Our new home was towards Santa Fe and in the highland desert, about 22 miles from Las Vegas. It was almost like a ghost town, with lots of crumbling adobe and stone buildings, most without roofs. Ours had a roof. 

We moved in October of 1997, totally unprepared for roughing it in the winter. Andy's heart attacks were coming every day, often 5 or 6/day. The doctors could do nothing. Andy had been off all medication for many months and yet was told he was still detoxing. If the heart attacks hadn't killed him yet, they never would, or so he was told. He was young, his body should be able to heal itself. Besides shooting pains in his arms, and bee stings in his chest area, he would go completely numb. The only part of his body he could move at these times, was his head. It was important that he lay down, before he fell down, so that he could position himself where he could breathe. It was scary because it took us 6 months to get a phone hooked up and there's no "911". There was no way I could get Andy to a doctor in emergency. 

I would sit with him and try to comfort him, but it was hard. His alters would try to cheer him, too. Sam liked to sing and dance and sometimes he even made Andy laugh, despite the pain. Andy couldn't move Sam's mono-body when he was numb, so he'd ask me to make him dance. Sam would sing through Andy. He made up his own songs and his favorite was his "Hamburger Dance". 

That winter was hard. We had a wood heater and Andy couldn't chop wood. I could, but it caused me a lot of pain because of my fibromyalgia. Then my asthma sent me to the hospital and we had to stop using the wood heater. We had carpet in the kitchen, the only room heated with propane. We couldn't afford to rent a steam cleaner and I pictured years of bacteria and germs growing from all the food spilled in the carpet and it gave me the creeps. But it was the only room that was warm. We were sick with colds and flu several times that winter and had to sleep on the kitchen floor. We also didn't have a propane tank those first several months, just little bottles that neither of us could get to town to fill. The landlord didn't understand, he'd lived here all his life. He was healthy and had 3 teenage boys to help chop wood. But I was from Florida and the cold made my bones ache unbearably. The house was strangely arranged, also. The kitchen and bathroom were downstairs and the bedroom upstairs. I had a hard time getting up and down the stairs when I was hurting. Andy had his alters and his heart attacks so all cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. was up to me. And speaking of laundry, well, I hung it from the rafters. 

Andy always seemed more disturbed then usual at Christmas. That winter I found out why. Andy's grandfather had died when he was 4 years old, on Christmas day. As a result, his grandmother had never decorated again for Christmas. Andy received presents, but they weren't wrapped or under a tree. Plus, that was the time of the year when his father visited them in Oakdale and sexually abused Andy. 

Andy had no idea what it was like to wake up Christmas morning to presents under a tree. I was determined to give him his first happy Christmas. I couldn't afford a real tree, but I found a tiny fake tree, which I decorated and put in the middle of his model train track upstairs. I decorated the whole house, as usual, many of the decorations I'd had since childhood. It always helps ease my depression and get me in the holiday spirit. Andy had difficulty accepting the decorations, as always, but at least I now knew why. I bought a $1 bag of plastic farm animals and wrapped each one separate, providing presents for 10 children alters. I bought pudding cups and wrapped each separate, providing presents for 6 adult alters. We didn't have much money, but I still managed to buy something for each alter. At the time, there were almost 200 of them. I piled the presents around the tree after he went to bed on Christmas Eve. He woke at sunrise, just like all children, and it was incredible fun. Children alters squealed with delight when they read their names on tags and wrapping paper flew all over the room. We went outside later and the landlord's sons let us ride their sled as they pulled it down the drive with their 4-wheeler. I think it was the best Christmas I'd ever had, and I know it was Andy's best Christmas.