Andy (The Book)

Chapter 9

I told him that Elena and Robert were both out and I had to stay, at least, until they got back. Beside, I told him, it would take me an hour to get there anyways. I insisted he get the new alters to talk to me. I said they should choose a representative to speak for them. And they did. 

 

I asked, "What is it that has upset you guys. Why do you want to hurt Andy?"

A new voice said, "Because he made us suffer his abuse for him? It wasn't right, we didn't do anything to deserve it?"

"Neither did he," I reminded them. "He was just a little kid. He didn't make you come in and take the abuse, he was just an innocent child. I don't know who it was who chose you to come into his life, maybe it was God. But it wasn't him. If you have to blame anyone, blame the abusers." The phone was quiet, so I continued, "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"We think so."

"You came into his life to help him, not to hurt him... Are there any questions? You can talk to me, ask me anything."

"No. We'll turn ourselves in."

Then Andy got on the phone. "I'm still sick, though. And you need to get home right now!"

"I'll get home when I can. You need to calm yourself down-"

"I'm not upset! I'm sick!!"

"You might be sick, but you're also upset. Getting upset is just going to make you sicker. Please, don't climb the stairs. Just go lay down-"

"It's too late. They already made me fall down the stairs. I have a bump on my head. I think I have a concussion and I don't have any ammonia to sniff."

"There's ammonia under the kitchen sink, but it's household ammonia," I told him.

"I already used that. What do I do if I have to go to the hospital? I have no transportation! I can't call Larry, he's not on duty and he doesn't answer his home phone."

"I'm an hour away anyway. How about the Montoyas?" (landlords)

"They're at an out of town football game. And there are no lights on at the other Montoyas either."

"Dennis?-"

"It's Saturday night. He has the cafe open until 9 o'clock on Saturday."

"I'll do what I can. Try to stay calm and whatever you do, don't go to sleep. Grenudo, Annie, all you alters, keep him awake!"

"Fine!" as he hung up the phone.

Robert was back. He was in his office at the computer and, as usual, on the phone. But he sensed that something was wrong and stopped his conversation to say, "You need to go home?"

"Yeah." I said. "Andy's really sick. I'm sorry, I've got to go."

"That's okay" he answered. "Go ahead and go on home."

And as I was leaving, Elena was just getting back. "What's wrong, Hita?" she greeted me, as she put her arms around me for a hug.

I started crying, "It's Andy. Oh, Elena, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this-" and I told her everything, except his "ordering" me to come home. "I don't want to desert you guys, but-"

"Don't you worry about us," she urged. "Robert and I have homes to go home to, and they're warm and safe, and we have our health. We're not going to be hungry and we're not going to be cold-"

"We might," I replied.

"Not if we can help it. You go home and take care of your man. You tell him, even if we loose the campaign, we'll get by, but not if we loose one of our best friends. He's an inspiration to us and we need his smiling face to keep us going. And you're needed to take care of him. When you can, you come in, but not until he's better. And call us in the morning to let us know how you're both doing."

As she was saying this, Robert came up behind me and put his arms around me, hugging me. "Thank you. Thank you both, so much," I said.

Elena countered with, "Now, go girl. Do I have to push you out the door? Drive careful. I'll call and let him know you're on your way."

It didn't take long for me to realize, I did better in Santa Fe when Andy stayed home and rested. I was really enjoying myself, and I think I even got used to the drive. As it got closer to the election it got more and more hectic, but I loved it. I answered phones, put volunteers and teenage canvassers to work and picked up and organized so that Elena and Robert could focus on the bigger things. I felt really useful.

Then just 5 days before the election Andy decided he felt good enough to go with me. We argued before we left, then again on the road, then a couple of times throughout the day. I took half an ativan on the way there. We arrived later then when I went alone, as was usual when we both went together, but this time we managed to stay until near the end of the evening. The job didn't stress me, Andy did.  The whole day he kept telling everyone he was better and I heard him promise we'd be there every day through the election. He even promised to stay overnight the night before the election so that he could start work at 7AM. I would come in later because of my sleep problems.

On the way home he told me I needed a day off before the election so he would go in without me. I disagreed, I wanted to go in. So he said he had to see his therapist and I couldn't go, "You need to take a day off before the election!" he argued.

The next day he went in and early voted before I was up. Then he came home and said the state police are discouraging traffic over the Glorietta Pass and we wouldn't be able to go until after the snowstorm was over, probably after election day. He called Elena and told her we couldn't get over the pass and then he went to Pecos to see his therapist, Jim. Andy never did explain why Dr. Davis arranged for him to start seeing Jim again, I'm guessing it has to do with my complaints about money.

When he came back he calmly said that he wasn't going back to campaign headquarters anymore, the children admitted that they were scared about something there. I could go- if his chest pains weren't bad and if the roads were clear.  

And now his chest pains were bad, he'd had several "milds" last night and was having more now. Plus, he swore, "It was snowing in Vegas this morning and now it's really snowing in Pecos. You'll never get over the pass, they won't let you!" 

We had clouds, but no snow at all where I was all day.

I was upset. I was feeling controlled again, and I felt that everyone at headquarters had to see me as irresponsible, undependable and a liar. I'd said I'd be there everyday. I'd even promised to give another volunteer a ride home in the afternoon, if she found a ride in in the morning. I hated breaking promises even more then I hate people who break promises to me. And yesterday he was fine, or so he said. Now he says he was lying about being fine. Dr. Davis and Jim have both told him to lie about how he feels so that he doesn't bring others down when he feels bad. I told him, "Then how are we, those of us whose lives revolve around you, ever to know what to plan or expect?"

He said that two more new alters had come out today. Eventually I asked if I could, at least, go for a short walk with Daisy. Maybe, I said, the fresh air and exercise will help the pain from the fibromyalgia- since I couldn't go to the hot springs to relax, or Santa Fe to get my mind off the pain.

Andy went with us. And he wasn't mean to Daisy at all, a little impatient, but not mean. That was the first time he'd gone on a walk with us and it was kind of nice.

I wanted to watch some TV, at least the national news which I'd missed since going to Santa Fe. But his thoughts were too bad he said. I couldn't even just read the closed captioning because the squeal of the TV would bother him. I tried not to get upset. At least he wasn't yelling now, and the walk had helped.

He'd been talking for a couple of weeks about the alters' annual election. Over the years we'd added offices as we saw the need, and the alters always included suggestions from me. They allowed me to vote, but I seldom had an opinion strong enough to see the need. I did, however, ask questions of the candidates at the debates, and made many suggestions as to procedures and offices needed. Each year we got a little more organized, and it helped.

That year I suggested we allow for checks and balances by having three branches like the United States government. We added a communications director to tell me what Andy is thinking, how he feels and what is going on with the alters, so, I could plan my life. We added a community clerk, like the county clerk who runs elections and to act as secretary. And we added a treasurer to see that money is spent responsibly since that's been such a problem the last 6 months or so. We split the judges position into two positions, criminal judge and misdemeanor judge and doubled the number of attorneys, two for prosecuting and two for defense.

Since the beginning, Grenudo had been the chief executive officer, sometimes called chairperson, sometimes president, lately governor. That was the only major upset. Jimmy was elected governor and Limpio Lieutenant Governor. Jimmy won by only a couple of votes and he insisted on hugging Grenudo afterwards, agreeing to remain friends.

Wisdom was judge for a couple of years, then he assisted Rhonda when she was elected a year or two ago. They had some competition that made it interesting. Toby and Clint, two of the alters who came out most angry and violent, ran against them on the platform that Rhonda was far too easy on criminals. But the alters agreed that compassion and second chances were necessary and Rhonda was elected, overwhelmingly, as criminal judge with Wisdom as misdemeanor judge.

The full results are as follows:

Executive branch- Governor Jimmy and Lt. Gov. Limpio

Judicial branch- Gatekeeper, Annie

Sheriff, Yvonne

Criminal Judge, Rhonda

Misdemeanor Judge, Wisdom

attorneys- Brandi, Brittany, Melda and Lita

Legislative branch- 2 Senators- (+ Limpio Senate chair)

Communications director- Sam

Interpreter for children-Marvin

5 house positions-

Dolores, community clerk

Clara, treasurer

Pops, Gregory and Vincent

Sambo would continue as principal, or rather Director of Education. I also suggested a Director of Human Services to oversee all probation officers, social workers and therapists.

I had let Elena know that Andy couldn't be counted on for Election Day, and she understood. She'd planned for that contingency. I told her and Robert that I still had to vote before coming and probably would just stay in our area if the weather was bad. And it was bad, at least for driving very far. I spun the car twice just driving down to vote. I ended up spending most of the day standing in the snow, at our poll, holding up signs. There was another guy there who was campaigning for the Democratic candidate for state senate and I left him with my signs while I went home to get warm a couple of times.

I ended up with a terrific head cold, that turned into the usual sinus infection and I was even bedridden for a time. I fought it with herbs as long as I could, but finally ended up with a prescription antibiotic. Then I took more herbs just to be sure. Sinus infections have always been a problem with me, at least this time it didn't turn into bad bronchitis.

Andy knew I was worried about money. We'd bought propane with the money from the Democratic campaign, but it wouldn't last forever. And for some reason he still didn't have much money to contribute to the household. None of the businesses in Las Vegas were hiring for the holidays but stores in Santa Fe were. He said I could look for work.

He went with me, as if job hunting wasn't stressful enough. But I found a job, working in a bookstore in the Villa Linda Mall. It was stressful at times, but I handled it. Sometimes it was better being there then at home. But Andy got sick again. This time they said it was his liver that was severely damaged by the medications. He was throwing up blood and bile and having one mild after another. I was concerned he would start to vomit while he was numb and then he'd choke to death. I explained to the boss and he replaced me on the schedule for a while. I didn't even make enough to fill the propane tank because of the cost of gas to get to and from work. One night it snowed and it took me over two hours to get home. With driving time, I was putting in 12-hour days. I was hoping I'd be able to get massages if I was working, but there wasn't time and in the end there wasn't money. And the blood pressure pill that I was supposed to take 12 hours apart, I'd had to stretch to 15 hours apart on some days because it made me sleepy.

As if working the first job I'd had in 7 years, Andy's serious health problems, my health problems, and our rustic living conditions weren't enough, the water was shut off and had to be hauled for over two weeks. At first we had to get it from a spring that comes out of the canyon wall about 5 miles down. Andy went with me and helped what he could, but it made his chest pains worse. I couldn't fill a container without standing under the stream of water and was soaking wet, and freezing, from head to toe. Eventually they brought in a tanker truck of water from Las Vegas. The railroad owned the well, and decided that the landowners had to move their pipes. The head of the water cooperative had notice, but he didn't actually live there so he didn't bother to tell anyone. If left to him, it would only have been fixed in time for his annual family reunion the following summer.

Meanwhile, the pilot light on the propane heater kept going out. Andy took to leaving it set high and the temperature in the kitchen would get to around 90 degrees. He said this was the only way the pilot would stay on, as I physically couldn't reach to light it and it gave him worse chest pains for him to do it. It was quite a shock when you went through the kitchen door as the temperature dropped about 30 degrees immediately as you stepped into our sleeping area under the stairs. The bathroom temperature was generally 50 degrees or less unless the little electric heater was running constantly, then on a good day it night get close to 60.

Even with it set high, Andy had to light the heater at least once/day, sometimes twice for weeks before the landlord found time to call someone. Finally it was fixed and I spent the money I earned working to halfway fill the tank again. One hundred gallons of propane was not going to last long.

I'd hoped the children would be able to decorate for Christmas this year. After all, I was working now and didn't have the time anyway. But they didn't.

At the last minute, on Christmas Eve, we decided to go to Oakdale. I knew Andy needed to see his mom. It'd been months since she'd been to Vegas and even longer since we'd been to Oakdale. I suggested we go for the evening and go to church with her. Neither of us are the same religion as his mom but it would make her happy for us to go to church and I usually found it meditative. He called her, she got a roast out of the freezer and we got ready for the trip.

My car had gotten to be quite a pain. None of the doors, locks, hinges or windows worked. The windshield was all cracks and in any other state would have been illegal. And I had to climb over the driver's seat with it's metal sticking through and over the gear shift to get into the passenger seat. But so far, "knock on wood", it still ran.

We had a lovely visit. She'd done a good job of clearing the smoke from the house before we got there. She knew that's why we couldn't stay the night anymore. We had nice roast beef dinner and peaceful church service. I took plants that I'd rooted to his mom and his aunt. And we had a very safe, if very cold drive home.

It's a good thing we went then instead of after Christmas, as we definitely had a white Christmas.

 

I fought off the sleepiness from my blood pressure pill to finish wrapping presents and finally decorate. I usually decorate as soon after Thanksgiving as I can, as it helps fight off my depression. This year there just wasn't time.

I thought Andy would wake and the children would integrate before I was through but they didn't. He appeared to be sound asleep so I went ahead and took a sleeping pill about 3:30 in the morning. I only took one every 3rd night and this was the night. I was supposed to work the day after Christmas and knew if I put off the sleeping pill until the next night I'd have a hard time getting up for work.

As it was, I still woke before Andy or the children alters. I guess this was because there were so few of them left and they were older, the youngest was now eleven years old.

I'm usually up before Andy and go back to bed after taking my morning medication. He used to get really angry with me if I made any sounds to wake him, and I got to where I was frightened to even fix myself breakfast in the morning. But Sam started integrating, upon wakening, and this helped. He could joke about it, calling me "Noisemaker" and daring me to use the toaster so he could hear the bell on it. Christmas morning I heard Sam call out "Noisemaker!" and hoped Andy wouldn't yell afterwards. But a few minutes later he was up and the children were integrated and looking to see what Santa had brought.

Mostly they got books from Santa, after all he, or really she, worked in a bookstore this year. They loved them and laid down on the bed to read as soon as they were done opening them. They also got a few 'matchbox' cars to play with their train and two video games, but you could see the older children and adults were integrated. I rather missed the squeals and laughter of the younger children we had the last two Christmas', but that's the progress of therapy.

We had a big snowstorm (about 18") on Christmas day and that night. I got snowed in and had to miss work the next day. Then just to make life a little more challenging, the transmission in the car died. The mechanic said snow often kills transmissions, and this storm killed all but low gear. It died when Andy went to see his doctor. He stopped at the mechanic's for the prognosis (you might make it home but I wouldn't take any further, and $1400 for a transmission). He made it home driving very slow.

Elena had called, she'd found a trailer for rent in a poor part of Santa Fe for only $1,000/month. "Thanks anyways, we can't make ends meet paying $300". Even if I found a better job, the chances of me making enough to make us come out ahead were pretty much nil. We had to move to a town where the cost of living was not that high, yet jobs were available, and we had to do it without transportation.

We got ahold of the lawyer we’d met while working with the Democratic party in Santa Fe. He’d said he had friends who'd take our lawsuit against mental health. In November, we were next in line and "they should be calling you any day". Now, in January, they had 5 other cases in front of ours.

Andy and I fought as we both got defensive thinking the other one was blaming us for the car dying. He left to stay at a neighbor's ("I'm never coming home again, you're on your own") and I wrote the following letter-

December 29, 2000

“Dear Alters,

I'm sorry. I care about you guys, and it's hurts to have to tell you what I'm telling you. But I just can't take any more from Andy. He doesn't care about me, just the things I can help with or provide, i. e. transportation, money, someone to care about him and you guys. When he needs me, he expects me to drop everything and be there. But when I need him, he just yells at me and walks off to find someone else who doesn't need anything. Eventually he'll run out of people who have no needs of their own, as everyone eventually needs something from others.

I don't have my health- stress of living with him has my blood pressure higher, my blood sugar worse, my pain worse. I've had to give up on massages and the pain is just about unbearable- but heaven forbid I ever say anything. I no longer even have a car. Without it, I don't know how I'll go anywhere. I complained very little about all the driving he's done since he got his license, note I seldom ever went anywhere just for pleasure. I used the car for doctor's appointments, to buy groceries and pick up prescriptions, he used the car to go fishing, play pool, drive his friends around. I let him because I knew he needed the recreation. But I did expect some understanding in return, and maybe, just maybe a little care and consideration. I don't blame him for the transmission going, I blame him for the way he treats me.  I have given up way too much already and it's time to cut my losses. I'm not leaving for another man. I'm just leaving for my freedom and to take care of myself for once. And I don't know how or when I'll do it (probably before he expects me to pay the rent on the 1st). I just know I have to take care of myself soon or I will die. I can't go on like this. And now I have to leave everything I own behind because I'll be homeless and without transportation. I pray that you will take care of my things. Since you (he's?) seldom share your (his) things with me, it's hard to know what you'll (he'll) do. I hope someday to have the means to come back for it.

I'm glad Andy has friends and I'm glad he has you. I apparently have no one.

Goodbye and God bless. I do care about you, and I'm sorry.

Connie.

P.S.

Rhonda- don't let him hurt the animals. Here's the address and phone number of a place that takes in older homeless dogs. Please call them….”

I left it on the computer and changed to screen saver to announce READ THIS.

Late that night he came home, the alters announcing they were there to check on me. It was the voice of one of the children, I think, or maybe it was Marvin. Marvin, though an adult now, still talked most of the time for the children. I told them I was okay. I was in bed because there was nothing else to do, and the ten tons of blankets on the bed made it the warmest place in the house.

I didn't have a TV that worked anymore (Andy did, but I wasn't allowed to use it), I didn't have any books to read right now (no way to get to the library), and I couldn't do anymore on my writing because I still didn't have the word program I needed to do the formatting. This certainly was not the time to be creative and start something new. I guess I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, but hell, he'd managed to get plenty of new video games. As usual when I felt depressed I'd turned the heat as low as it'd go, I didn't feel I deserved to be warm.

He moved around the house with a flashlight and then I think he went upstairs. I wasn't watching but it was quiet. I turned on the nightlight by the bed but stayed buried under the covers. Then one of the children asked, "It's getting late, did you take your medication yet?".

I told them "Yes, I'm trying to start taking it earlier again, now that I'm not working."

It must have been Marvin again who said, "The children said, if you're not too sleepy, maybe you'll come upstairs and watch us play our music?"

"You can go ahead and play. It won't bother me, I'm not asleep yet."

"Connie.... We read what you wrote on the computer. We don't want you to leave.... Please come watch us play. We're going to play with Cousin Yvette this summer and we need to practice the guitar."

I went and watched them practice their guitar cords with the music playing on the stereo. Eventually we talked, "Andy was blaming himself for the car breaking down," the children said. "You've both been under too much stress. Please don't go." Andy himself told me that he really felt bad about not giving me more money for the household. He should have known that we needed money set aside for such an emergency.

I didn't go.

It didn't get better, though. I was down, as who wouldn't be? But my depression just made Andy angry. He would yell at me, "You'd better pull out of this depression or I'll leave. You know it brings me down, too! You're just making me sicker".

I needed a hug, a few words of encouragement. Instead I got yelled at.

Since the car wasn't running, Andy couldn't go far. He spent some times with the landlord's sons, but mostly he started hanging out with the neighbors who'd been feuding with the landlord a couple summers ago. The feuding had settled down, and they still were the only ones who were really friendly to us.

As usual he was going to extreme. He'd hardly spoken to them for over a year, because he didn't want trouble with the landlord. Now he was spending every waking moment there.

He'd come home just to yell at me, "I'm not coming home because you're too depressed. They said I could spend the night!"

Then he'd come home anyways, just as I was about to fall asleep. He'd yell some more. I'd hide under the covers until he was asleep, then I'd get up and sit in the kitchen. Without the car, I hadn't even been able to get library books to read. All I had to do was stare at the walls and think about how bad I felt.

I'd hinted that he should share his TV with me, whenever he wasn't using it. Finally, Marvin moved it into the smaller room at the top of the stairs. The antenna reached there. But they still didn't let me go up there without them. Eventually, they let me watch a football game with them one Sunday afternoon. But when I suggested I get to watch the TV while they were at the neighbors' they just yelled at me. It was their TV!

I was quiet a lot, and I knew better then to express how I felt. It just made him angry. I'm not sure now how things began to escalate. As usual, I didn't see it coming or recognize it as new alters.

I just know that one night he'd been screaming at me, "You need to get treatment for that depression. I'm calling the cops to come and get you!" He'd been taunting me, and I'm sure I'd probably said I wished I was dead. But he knew and I knew, that I'd never been able to do it. But he picked up the phone.

I heard him make the call, and that was the last straw. He knew how I felt about being locked up. I told him, that no one was ever going to lock me up again. Ever! I'd never survive being locked up again and I went searching for my shoes.

I got them on, and my jacket, and I got out the door. It was freezing and it was pitch dark. I didn't know where to go, but I had to have a clear exit if the cops did show up.

He followed me outside and continued to yell. But the words changed from, "you can't hide from them" to "you don't care. There's fifty new alters and they have a knife to my chest. They're going to kill me and you don't care."

He did. He had a knife pointed toward his chest, right at the solar plexus. Of course, it was my smallest paring knife, and couldn't go deep enough to kill. But he kept yelling, "they want me to bleed to death, slowly. They say I have to bleed out all the blood that I got from my parents".

I yelled for Grenudo to help. But Andy said, "He won't be coming to rescue anyone. He's locked up in protective custody. We're in charge now."

I screamed for Grenudo, for Annie, Limpio, Dolores, Rhonda.... Then I said, "I'm sorry. I can't be here when the cops get here. I can't let them lock me up, again."

First Andy tried to tell me it was Larry he was talking to, "Larry won't let them lock you up. He'll just see that you get treatment." Then he said, "the cops aren't coming."

By this point, I didn't think he'd really called them. He'd be the one they locked up if they saw him with that knife. Plus he said he was bleeding, and I couldn't see in the dark. So, I cautiously went back into the house where some lights were on.

He followed and I couldn't see any blood. They finally let me talk to Grenudo, but he said they had him restrained. He couldn't do anything. I asked the new alters to elect someone to talk for them, a spokesperson. A new voice asked me what I wanted to say.

I went into the same message I'd used to redirect other angry alters. I reminded them of their purpose in coming into Andy's life. I told them there was no way to get them in to see Dr. Davis without a car, so I suggested a retreat. I told them they could go to one of the vacation spots to rest for a while and calm down. We'd call them back when the car was fixed and when they were ready to talk to Dr. Davis.

They said "ok".

Since this was to be more of a time-out then an actual vacation, we sent Clint along to supervise. He'd been assisting Marvin until now, but there were fewer children here since so many'd had birthdays.