Bipolar disorder and C-PTSD

It is quite common for people with a history of being abused to end up with the diagnosis of bipolar.  Bipolar was my diagnosis for about ten years.  It was an accident we found out that there was a better medication for me than those generally prescribed for bipolar.  My blood pressure was quite high and I couldn’t afford the medication that would bring it down.  Then someone I knew looked up the medication I was on for bipolar.  They found that a rare but possible side effect to it was high blood pressure.  As a result, my psychiatrist took me off that medication and telephoned my medical doctor, and for weeks my medical doctor and my psychiatrist played phone tag- while I waited, and waited.  But instead of the crash that I expected, I started feeling better.  When I told my psychiatrist he said, a blood pressure pill, recently added by my medical doctor, was used for other things.  I’m not even sure what other things he listed at the time, but now I know it is used for ADHD kids, bipolar kids, and while not approved for use in adults, it does help with PTSD.

The medication is Clonidine.  It is not a cure-all, but it helps some.  You have to be careful how you take it as it really can drop your blood pressure quickly if you don’t take the time to break it up into small doses throughout the day.

Now I’m sure you’re wondering how the diagnosis of bipolar appears to begin with in someone who has a history of child abuse.

When you’re abused as a kid, of course, everyone’s situation is different.  But generally, if the abuse is like mine, it’s a continuing series of not knowing what bad thing is coming next.  It may not be that bad, or it may not happen for a few days, but eventually something bad will happen and you learn to be prepared.  Your fight or flight reflex is on overdrive all the time.  You are hypervigilant, meaning you are watching all the time, just waiting to react when it comes.  And when it’s bad more often than not, you will likely start to feel hopeless that there’s anything better, and reasonably get depressed. 

Then when the rare good thing happens, you can get over-excited or appear just a little bit manic.  And the changes in your mood can appear bipolar.

I don’t take anything for mood these days, but do experience some extremes.  When something really good happens, I get wound up and excited over the prospect of a positive change in my life.  It all appears a bit manic, but not severe enough that medication is necessary. 

And oh, do I get depressed.  When I had a car to go places, I kept busy and I doubt anybody questioned my mental state.  I had a decent place to live and nothing too horrible happened to me often.  I still struggled around family.  And I would get depressed when I was home alone, as I felt isolated and as unlovable as I’d always been.  But it didn’t translate into my life around other people. It was only me when I was alone, and I would cry and wish someone cared about me.

It’s been worse since the car accident, long story there.  The point being I can’t get around and have to beg for rides.  And when I lost this one particular apt. that I’d lived in for 5 years, it got really bad.  I’ve not been able to find affordable, safe, housing since then, and again I have no transportation and there is no public transportation.

I have a real hard time imagining how I’m going to get out of the situation that I’m in right now.  I fight all the time, to keep myself from spiraling into total despair.  I want to give up, but can’t.  I’m a survivor, I guess.  But I have such incredible pain sometimes, I wish I could die and get away from this world.  I see people happy, couples and families and wonder what I have ever done to never have had that!  And the pain is unbearable. 

I can’t be around people, because I am hated (or I feel that I am hated).  But I can’t be still because that causes me to think and the pain is unbearable.  I avoid going to bed at night, because the quiet time between laying down and actually falling asleep allows for too much thought.  If I think of my situation I can’t bear it and I’m in pain!  So, I have to time it just right to lay down when I’m about to pass out from sleepiness.  And these days I do sleep.  Most of my life, I didn’t.