In recovery we recognize the shades of gray, the good and the bad.

Happy Father's Day

This is my father.  He is one of the biggest reasons I can't give up the idea of reincarnation.  :)  Bet you didn't see that coming, not those of you who know me and have heard me talk about being a survivor of child abuse.  I can explain.

The first time that I really took time to read about numerology, and actually do the numbers on a few people I knew well it all made sense.  My sister and I are both nines, we've had 8 lives before this and with each one we learned more.  By the ninth life, we're given the greatest challenges.  Life is very tough for those of us who are nines.  Our mother was a malignant narcissist who was surprised to see her daughters by her side when she was dying.  She apologized for being a bad mother and we readily let go of - not forgot, mind you- but let go of her treatment of us.  But our father?  He was a dilemma.  

He didn't talk, at least not to me.  But he was always very serious about his role as bread winner.  He worked extremely hard all his life and died young because of working with asbestos.  He never complained, ever!  Not that anything was ever free.  As soon as I was able to get my driver's license, I was required to get a job, pay rent and my personal expenses.  I was provided the use of the oldest car.  We had three.  The family car, Dad's work car, and the extra car which was my Dad's old work car.  I paid all of the expenses for it, and Dad did all the work on it, giving me the bill.  He admitted that he survived the depression, and if he had to he'd create a depression so I could learn hard work.  But he never let me succeed.  Anytime, anything went wrong in my life he came to my rescue.  And when he got me home, whether I wanted to be there or not, he gave me the bill.  From that I learned that I was a failure at everything!  Deep down I knew that I wasn't.  I would have come through it, and I would have felt good for doing so!  But I never felt good.  Yet, look at the man in these pictures.  You can't see a man who would ever set out to hurt his child.  And that is explained in his numerology.  My father was a "one".  He was a brand new soul.  He sought very hard to be what he thought people wanted him to be.  He was responsible, hard-working, honest...  But he never thought much of himself.  He worked in Palm Beach most of the time. He did the fancy mold work on the mansions and places like the Flagler Museum.  He was an artist and highly respected as such.  But he talked about the people who lived in Palm Beach like they were Gods and he was their humble servant.  He ran the volunteeer fire department throughout our childhood until it was all paid fire-fighters and then he ran Bingo.  He was a Mason and a fire marshall and he lied about his age to go to war, except the war was over and he was only there for clean-up.  He said he saw children eating out of trash cans in Europe and so we'd better clean our plates.  I don't know how much it helped those children, but I do know I was a fat child because of it.  He didn't value education, after all he never graduated high school.  But he read National Geographics cover to cover as soon as they came in, and he read, also cover to cover, the entire set of encyclopedias that he bought when I started going to first grade.  When I was first went to college, he was able to tell me the answers to my physics homework, he just couldn't explain how he got them.   And no, his only contribution to my college education was letting me slide on the rent when I was in school full time.  

When my Dad died they had to delay his funeral ceremony to put up speakers in the parking lot for the people who couldn't fit in the building.  My father can't be in heaven for all his good works, nor could I believe he's in hell for the beatings he gave me for some punishment I didn't understand or the times he knocked my head up against the wall in a fit of temper I didn't see coming in time.  He has been born again, and is a child somewhere, learning a little more about life by living his second time around.

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Why I want your feedback!

I haven't written anything lately.  I don't feel the need to write since I don't know if anyone reads this or finds it useful.  I get numbers back on how many people opened the page this is on.  But for all I know, people look, decide it's not worth anything, and close it without reading it.  

Sometimes I let myself get confident that I know more about the subject that my readers.  But then I learned about the Dunning Kruger effect and see myself as ridiculously vain and I don't write for a while.  

I NEED FEEDBACK.  Am I providing useful information?  Is it interesting?  Is it something you didn't already know?  

Please provide me some kind of feedback.  Not necessarily about this article, but in general or about articles where I provide more of my opinion or thoughts.  It would also be nice to know if you regularly read my blog or SEASCAT's page on FB.  How did you learn about my blog?  That would be nice to know.  Was it just a weird coincidence that some posts get read by 10 times as many people, or was that post more interesting?  

You can also provide feedback on SEASCAT.org on FB or write to me at SEASCAT@gmail.com.

Thank you!
Connie








https://www.zmescience.com/science/the-dunning-kruger-effect-feature/

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Anxiety

There are two kinds of anxiety, one is a diagnosable mental condition that doesn’t go away, but is somewhat controllable with medication and therapy.  And there’s the other kind, the kind that happens to all of us. We’ve all experienced stress to one degree or another sometime in our life. When you let stress take over your life, you will likely become anxious.

These are stressful times.  Our country and the world is facing a pandemic that few people have seen in our lifetime.  Anxiety serves a purpose to remind us to take this seriously. That is a good thing. Now that you know this, you can let the anxiety go.  You don’t need it anymore. Easy said, huh? But not so easy to do.  

There are so many ways you can experience anxiety.  You may find yourself obsessively thinking about everything that could go wrong.  You may watch for danger everywhere you go, expecting it to appear at any moment. You may be irritable, restless, unable to concentrate.  You may have insomnia and/or heart palpitations. You may tremble and sweat. The symptoms of anxiety are scary, as scary as the thoughts that precede the symptoms.  And, yes, we are coming to the answer- how to control the symptoms of anxiety.

Cognitive techniques teach us how to trace the thinking that brought about the symptoms.  Sometimes the thoughts bring about legitimate concerns. We can accept these concerns and take steps to minimize the dangers.  With this pandemic looming over us we practice social distancing, we wear masks and often gloves in public, and we stay home when possible.  Taking such reasonable steps to be safe, our anxiety is reduced.

And sometimes thoughts have little to do with any real concerns.  Remember Chicken Little who told us “the sky is falling!” If Chicken Little took a few minutes to analyze his thoughts, he’d realize there was no reason to believe the sky is going to fall.  Once he knows this, his anxiety can start to go away.

There are other things a person can do, too, like focus on what is right with the world.  Reduce anxiety by remembering the picture from above.

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NAMI as a resource

I don't use NAMI as a resource very often.  I think it's because in the old days they represented "brain diseases" to the exclusion of disorders of abuse & neglect.  They were founded by parents of schizophrenic and bipolar individuals who worked to improve the lives of their children.  Those of us with disorders of abuse & neglect really never had representation because our parents were usually the cause of our problems.

But NAMI has changed.  Even in the 1990's they had begun to understand our needs.  I know as I was Consumer Council president for a year and as director of the Mental Health Association in Las Vegas, NM, I worked close with people from NAMI planning statewide activities.

I've been keeping up with NAMI activities in recent years here in Western North Carolina.  There isn't a chapter really close, but not too far away.  And SEASCAT signed up to present at a statewide conference that will happen in the not too distance future.  (At least I hope it happens soon.  It was scheduled for early February but postponed for funding reasons.)

I hope you read this far, as I do want to point out a few resources.  One is the NAMI Advocate, a newsletter.  It is published at the national level about twice/year and it full of useful information and personal stories.  It's available online at https://www.nami.org/advocate .

The other is the NAMI blog, with lots of short personal stories and links to other resources. It can be reached online at https://www.nami.org/advocate .  I related to one of these, which is written by someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder) and is about her connection with her "FP" of Favorite-Person.  I could see this as what I do as a Life Coach with a college student that I work with and with others from the FB page "Healing from Complex PTSD".  With the people from the FB page, I simply keep myself listed as a supportive other and people in crisis connect with me for a short period of time until they've made it through the crisis.  I really just provide encouragement and remind them they are not alone.  I know, as I've been there.

I need to find work, and this is where I feel I fit the best.  The hard part is asking for pay for doing it.  As long as I can afford to do it for free, I will.  But I have been homeless and will continue to seek out ways to make $ while doing it.  HHmmm.

While I'm writing, let me apologize for not getting posts submitted more frequently.  My Internet, where I live, is worthless.  I do have a lot of articles half written and will get those finished and posted as soon as I have more time online to do so.

Feedback is always welcome.

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Individualistic vs Collectivistic cultures

The United States is an individualistic culture, which is great if you love the freedom to do whatever you want- and you have the ability to do whatever you want and just don't care much what happens to everyone else.  Stop me if I'm wrong- but that's how it appears to me.

But it is a scary, lonely, deprivation laden life if you are old, infirm, disabled, or really do care about other people and the planet we live on.  Again, that's how it appears to me.

And when the world is in crisis- such as the climate crisis that effects everyone in the world- nothing gets done in an individualistic society where everyone is out for, and only for, themselves.

I see three possibilities.  Right now we have people fleeing parts of the planet that have become uninhabitable.  They are poor people, mostly from collectivistic cultures where they try hard to help each other.  But they're losing the battle.  Many are dying- it's a long story, but if you ever watch the news you know about it.  And it will only get worse as more areas are effected- by rising seas, deadly storms, heat, etc.  But some countries will last longer than others and the US is probably one that will be last to die- simply because the people in the US that are healthy, capable, etc. love their individual freedom far more than they care about anybody else.  And the last of the healthy, free individuals will be the last to die with the planet, but that's ok, they will have had good lives- unless they are children and then they will have had little or no life.

The 2nd possibility- Some dictator takes over and forces everyone to give up their freedom, live in a collectivistic culture, where they have to do what they are told or go to prison or be killed outright.  This would possibly save the planet as no more fossil fuels will be allowed, no cars, no air conditioners, and everyone will be forced into labor that will benefit everyone and the planet that we live on.  But again, no freedom at all.  The old, sick, disabled will last about as long as the healthy, capable people as they will be taken care of in a collectivistic culture- and doesn't religions teach something about the meek inheriting the earth?

The 3rd possibility would be for everyone to give up a little big of freedom and begin to care what happens to other people on the planet and the planet, itself.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could save this planet for the children born today?  Think about it.  It could be done, if we worked together, if we cared, ........

What is your choice?

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Keynote ACES to Assets 2019 – Dr. Gabor Maté – Trauma as disconnection f...

This is a very interesting video, that is best watched.  I really can't contribute anything to improve it.  Note, Trauma is a scar.  Note, the difference  between the questions "What is wrong with you?" and "What happened to you?"   In recovery, what is it you want to recover?

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And I did not have a clue!

I found out something today and it made me feel really horrible because it showed me how little I understood the very world that I live in.  It told me that I lacked empathy and understanding on an issue I really thought I knew about well.  You see, I found out that there are blacks in this state that just don't feel safe in Western North Carolina, these mountains, even to the point of reacting in terror at the site of the confederate flag that hangs by a lot of businesses and homes in this area.

I did not grow up around hatred of different races.  I did grow up with little knowledge and little understanding of people of different races.  And it was a source of annoyance when the year after I graduated from high school in 1970 in south Florida, my younger cousins had to get on a bus before daylight to ride across West Palm Beach to attend a school that had been exclusively black.  

No one in my family ever said a bad word about black people, though I did have a few from my mother's side that used the "N" word.  They didn't say it with malice, it was just a word to describe people with dark skin.... the only word they seemed to know.  I didn't much like that word, but I couldn't say anything when they did it, I was just a kid.

In the West Palm Beach area, you had to go North to get to the south, culturally.  As a kid, I didn't know any blacks.  Once in awhile, in the summer, a station wagon would drive slowly down our street.  There'd be a black woman driving and a few black kids on the back bumper with baskets of tomatoes.  The kids would jump off and go to the houses.  And we'd always buy from them.  Fresh tomatoes from the Glades were a treat, and we bought them to support the people who worked hard and were poor.  And I remember very well, the day I learned that little black girls with bunches of tiny braids were called pickaninnies.  Again, it was not a derogatory word, just what they were called.

I had my first black friend in California when my then husband was in the Air Force.  It was just as the war was winding down in Viet Nam.  The black guy worked with my husband and he had the oddest name, in my opinion.  He was called "Pork Chop".  It was hard to find work as a military wife, so Pork Chop's wife and I hung out at a swimming pool.  I learned that black skin does sunburn, it just doesn't show as much as my white skin that turned red.

Years later and back home, I taught at the middle school and watched the kids, black and white, play together like there were no differences and figured forced integration had actually done some real good for this country.

A few years later, I went to work in the mental health field as a case manager.  One of the other case managers and I had trouble getting along.  She was black and about my age, which meant she grew up before integration. And she seemed ready to blame me for all kinds of things.  Our third office mate- also black but young enough to have experienced integrated schools- tried to solve the differences.  We ended up putting a line of duct tape on the floor down the middle of the room.  When I left there five years later, we were fine- hugged and honestly said we'd miss each other and it was so nice working together.

At the time I left Florida, I was living in a suburb of West Palm Beach and it was of mixed races.  And the very next suburb was also of mixed races, though more heavily black.  The streets were completely blocked on Martin Luther King's Day for the big parade.  I always marched in the parade, you might as well, as you couldn't go anywhere.  And I was active with several peace groups, and some of them would be there.  There was never any racial tension that I could feel.

But things have changed in recent years.  And I'm in the real South, in North Carolina.  I'm a founding member of the local NAACP chapter, though, admittedly we don't have very many blacks.  The focus these days is on poor people, income inequality (not necessarily just by race) and immigration issues.  And I have been unobservant, at the very least, and unfeeling and prejudiced, myself, at the worst.  

And I am so, so, sorry!!!!  You know, I do have C-PTSD and I know about terror so frightening that you have to take off and run as far as you can.  But I did not realize that many blacks feel this way, every day, too.  I know now.  And I encourage all whites who think they are so very liberal and understanding to think hard on this themselves.

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I am a failed hedgehog!

I love the Hidden Brain on NPR.  But this podcast really made me think.  I came to the conclusion I am a hedgehog.  Here's the link so you can listen, yourself.

https://www.npr.org/2017/05/15/528041635/the-fox-and-the-hedgehog-the-triumphs-and-perils-of-going-big?utm_content=bufferffca2&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer&fbclid=IwAR2FZ2UAGODcoVt3sLNgwK_4CoVnrOvL5F-548BhPY9Nm97fL0CotJOZzqY

I had to look for patterns in how I react.   I see a need and I jump right in to fix it. Then I had to look at what that meant.  I fail pretty much every time.

What did I learn?  Maybe I need to slow down and plan more- won't be easy!!!!!  

Wow, I just had a conversation with someone this morning about when I did that- this someone is definitely NOT a hedgehog.  I couldn't wait for them to do what they needed to do before I started in on making changes, which upset them, and messed up any relationship for several months.  I just can't seem to sit around, twiddling my thumbs, doing NOTHING- when it's so obvious there's much that needs doing.  Not the same as being impulsive because I do plan.  But some people think, then plan, then think for another few weeks or months and - ErrGGGG  

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Lights of Liberty Vigil in Sylva, North Carolina

People all over the country are upset with the way our country is treating immigrant families.  Here are few comments from people in Sylva, NC.

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Unrealistic Expectations

More often we hear about parents limiting their child with negative words or put-downs. The child grows up feeling a failure and giving up. Depending on their age when the negative messages begin, they may believe every word sent their way and no amount of effort can change the message in their head that they are stupid, less than, etc. 

 But I have to tell you that the opposite can have a very similar effect. The parent who keeps encouraging their child to go way beyond their abilities, to achieve goals that are unrealistic, are setting their child up for failure. Not only does this result in the child feeling like a failure and wanting to give up, the child can't. The result of giving up would be disappointing the parent they look up to and love. That has to be very painful. 

I looked to the Internet and didn't find any useful information and thought I should write about it. I think the hard part would be telling the parent that setting up unrealistic expectations was doing more harm than good.

The parents cares, that is obvious. The parent thinks they are providing encouragement for their child to reach their true potential. The parent has not accepted the limitations of their child.... which is the sad part. Loving your child means wanting them to succeed at whatever is their chosen endeavor. 

 Loving your child means accepting them as they are, not as you want them to be. There's a fine line between encouragement and pushing a child to unrealistic expectations.

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