Best Friend

Over the years I’ve had other best friends. Shannon was the dog that landed with me when I got my divorce. I spent ten years living with the man I married because he was willing to take me away from my parents and give me hope of a better life. And in some ways he tried. Far from perfect, he did help me to learn to do many things on my own. Just not everything. So, when he left I was devastated! I still did not believe I could do for myself. Those last years we were both working and going to school and without him, I couldn’t have done that much. The last day of classes at FAU, when I completed my bachelor’s degree, I came home to find my husband had put all the belongings he wanted into our 2nd car. He wanted to tell me in person, to my face, that he was leaving. He left me the newer car and most everything we’d had left after 10 years of marriage. I’d never trusted him, I tested him all the time, and sure enough my predictions had come true- he was leaving and I was worthless, alone and unloved.... until someone dumped a puppy in my hands and swore- please take care of her, we’ll be back soon as the landlord says we can keep her. And those guys never came back for their puppy and she became mine, and I couldn’t give up, I couldn’t end my life, I was needed. And I was loved, and I went on-

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Every Child Needs a Best Friend!

CONNIE JEAN CONKLIN·

Teddy wasn’t my dog. He belonged to the entire neighborhood- all my aunts, uncles, cousins..... But without him, I’d have never survived my childhood. My mother would have one of her irrational moods and send me to my room because I did something bad- I never knew what. I tell you now, if a child doesn’t know exactly what behavior they did that was wrong, they WILL not understand that it was the behavior that was wrong. They WILL believe it is “they who are-” well, lots of adjectives come to mind and all of them painful, still. Words like “bad”, “worthless”, etc. And they learn to believe they really should not be alive at all. If you haven’t lived with those words describing you, you cannot understand the pain, you cannot understand the thoughts that run thru your brain every day on how you should not be alive at all. I spent many an hour in my room, with that pain and emptiness inside me- wishing I could just cease to exist.

But then there was Teddy. He would sit right there in front of me with those sad brown eyes and I knew I couldn’t disappoint him, the one source of love in my life...... And I grew up to believe that no human could ever love me, but I had Teddy, and for Teddy I had to go on.

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I once heard Reverend Barber declare that apathy was moral suicide.

If we can't step out of our comfort zone and stand up for something important than nothing matters, we have nothing.

This became evident to me this past week when SEASCAT, a Supportive Environment for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse & Trauma, attempted to do some fund-raising during Child Abuse Awareness Month. I haven't done all the math, but it appears we spent more $ on printing brochures, flyers, and educational handouts than we made. And it isn't just about $, people didn't take handouts, apparently seeing no need to learn any more.

As a survivor of child abuse who still suffers every day from having the life I've had thrust upon me, I have to say it hurts to see that no one really cares.

And I bet the same people who found it unnecessary to stand up and be supportive of child abuse survivors, is not otherwise occupied marching elsewhere over the future of global warning. If they were, I could understand and accept. Think about it. What matters to you!

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Celebrating the life of a survivor

This is the birthdate of Chester Bennington who died from suicide at the young age of 41.

He had a great impact on the world, as you can find out from reading the things being posted about him, today. Unfortunately, I did not know the person, I only knew the musician. And the musician truly reached me with his music. He sang about the pain and the struggle and it hit me hard, as I so often felt the very same pain.

;( The world will miss him.

In this farewell
There's no blood, there's no alibi
'Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth of a thousand lies
So let mercy come and wash away
What I've done

I'll face myself to cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest what you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty
So let mercy come and wash away
What I've done

I'll face myself to cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving…

Something so many of us do-a common theme- accepting fault where so often there is none. That feeling of shame, when it’s not you but what’s been done to you. And that feeling of “nothingness inside of me”. Most of us know that pain and it is excruciating. Especially when it eats at you every day over and over for decades and decades. Chester Bennington is definitely not the “only person with these things in mind!

When this began,
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind (inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I got left to feel (nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own

I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face (I was confused)
Looking…

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Gratitude update, brings pleasant memories

I've realized it's time to update my gratitude list.  It is the only thing that brings me out of that awful, fearful depression sets in when my life seems beyond my control.

So, while doing that I thought I'd bring the focus to a pleasant memory that I was reminded of, recently.  We've had a full moon the last couple of nights.  It was pretty, and someone commented to me how awesomely beautiful it appeared.  And, well, it did.  But it was nothing compared to a full moon I saw one time many years ago.

It was New Year's eve and I was going out for New Year's, something I seldom ever do.  I was with a boyfriend, someone insignificant as we broke up that very night.  His loss.  :)  Anyway,  we were near the entrance of the Loxahatchee River, where it exchanges brackish river water with water from the ocean.

The moon was so full as to take up the entire horizon right at the mouth of the river.  And the mouth of the river is no small space.  There were ocean going ships docked all along the river.  The outgoing tide was being sucked out into the ocean faster than the river could keep up.  The result was a dry river bed.  This could only happen with a very full moon and the perfect timing.   It was so incredible, that we were able to walk around the ships that were all sitting on the dry river bed.  I'm betting that few people have ever been in the right time and location to experience a full moon like that one.

Now for today's updated gratitude list.  I am grateful for the people I've met at the Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints church where I belong in Cherokee, NC.  They have such patience with me and my struggles, struggles that are so alien to them.  I get sad with the talk there that is always about home and family, as it serves as a reminder that I have no home nor do I have any family.  I always wanted one.  I question everything they teach as it is so different from the life that I've lived.  And they patiently let me vent all my doubts, which are all based on "my experience". And then they start all over doing their best, with their limited knowledge of what it's like to grow up in a very dysfunctional family.  But they are learning.  And I'm learning, too.  And after what probably was meant to be a 1 hour session, which turned into 3 1/2 hours, it was pointed out to me that it's ok to not trust other people.  My experience is clear on that point.  Human Beings are not trustworthy and in my experience they will eventually turn against me.  But trusting Jesus Christ is safe.  He won't turn against me.

I'm also grateful that Sally is still letting stay with her.  And I'm so very grateful to be sharing her pets!  They all have personalities of their own.  I'm generally a big dog person, as there's been only one cat I really got attached to, significantly.  But I love all 4 of her cats and her little dog who is only barely "yappy", at times.  

And I may have a lead on someone who can help me find a vehicle large enough to be more comfortable when it's warm enough to move out of Sally's.  If I can park in a campground, I can use electric for my oxygen machine.  And there could be a job, I'm waiting to hear more.  And if there's not, I could travel if I can get my trailer back from my nephew's.  It will need tires.  But then I could build compartments, oh, too much speculation can lead to disappointment.  We'll see.  At least I'm not giving up.  I just don't know how.  

And today I settled the plans for the event we're (me as SEASCAT) having for Child Abuse Awareness month.  Sally is backing off from SEASCAT and Mark, while far from quitting on me, is so busy.....  Anyone local- I can use volunteers!

April 17th, come support SEASCAT at the Mad Batter Food & Film, located in beautiful downtown Sylva, NC.   We will watch the movie Sybil starting at 7PM, and a raffle will start at 6PM.  

This is Mel

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April- It's Child Abuse Awareness month so let's measure your knowledge

Here is the survey to see what members of the community already know about child abuse and survivors of child abuse.  The answers are here so you can grade yourself, but please answer to the best of your ability before looking at them.

1) What kinds of child abuse are you aware of?



emotional, physical, sexual, neglect

2)  Do you know which kind is hardest to recover from?



emotional (emotional abuse is also a part of most other forms of abuse)

3)  Do you know if abuse occurs the same in all socioeconomic classes?



It does in every category except neglect where it is more common in lower socioeconomic classes as parents struggle to provide for their children

4)  Do you know who is most likely to be the child abuser?



Would it surprise you to know that 80% of all child abuse is by a parent or guardian.

5)  Do you know any of the causes of child abuse?



(accept $ as a cause for neglect)  Birth defects are one of the most common causes.

 6)  What would you do if you knew of a situation of child abuse?



Call or go to child protective services at DSS.  Accept "call police" 

 7)  Do you know any survivors of child abuse (adults over 18)?  Really know?




 8)  What are some of the things a survivor may struggle with when they become an adult?  



accept relationship problems, struggle to keep a job,  homelessness, mental health problems (but differentiate between mental "illness" and mental disorder or condition.)  

9)  Do you know what ACEs refers to?  



accept Adverse Childhood Experiences  scales, studies, etc.  Studies that show the physical changes to the body and the brain as a result long term "Toxic Stress".  (The s can also stand for scale, which is a rating system that measures toxic stress.) 

10)  How long do you expect it can take to recover from child abuse?



It can easily take an entire lifetime and many never do.  There is a lot that an understanding community can do to make it easier for a person to work on their recovery.

Our educational program is offered to the community.  E-mail SEASCAT@gmail.com, or text/telephone (828) 506-6141.  If you are a survivor telephone Mark for peer support or myself to volunteer with us.  And let us know if you want to be added to our mailing list.  (Mark's # is (828) 342-3198)

If you got a perfect score please consider getting more involved with SEASCAT!

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Birth Defects Awareness Day

April is birth defects awareness day.  Only one day, leaving over 360 days for people to not think about birth defects- unless you're living with the result of one.

Birth defects are one of the leading causes of child abuse, something I know from personal experience.  My sister was born with a birth defect.  Our parents were not evil people, and I'm sure would have dealt reasonably ok with me alone.  But my parents did not deal well with my sister's birth defect.  She was beaten for something that was not under her control.  I hid, she couldn't.  I spent most of my life hiding and she spent most her life fighting the world.

My friend Mike S. was born with a birth defect plus he turned out to be autistic and developmentally disabled.  One of his mother's boyfriend's pushed him and his wheelchair down the stairs to try to force him to walk.

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6 Types of Childhood Abuse (may be triggering)

This channel on YouTube is very informative.  I highly recommend it.

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Narcissist, Psychopath, or Sociopath: How to Spot the Differences

Many survivors of child abuse are co-dependent and have trouble with relationships with narcissists.  But narcissism can also be a result of child abuse, as well as Sociopathy.

But while sociopaths and psychopaths share some similarities, there is a big difference.  A psychopath is born, not made. 

None of these diagnoses are likely to be found in a therapists office.     

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Need IT help

I was given the impression when I started this blog that is was pretty much self explanatory.  I received help setting it up.  But it's not working as I understood it would.  The pages across the top are supposed to be clickable to those pages, but they aren't.  In fact, those pages don't even seem to exist.  And articles I wrote eventually disappear as new pages are added.  And it appears I may have comments I have never seen.

I have books I've written that I'd like to publish here chapter by chapter with the entire book downloadable for donation to SEASCAT.org.  I may need another location other than this blog.  I have found that we do have the domain name SEASCAT.org back.

I can barter, but have no significant $ to pay for IT help, at this time.  Need someone who wants to be supportive of SEASCAT.org.  See our FB page SEASCAT.org.

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