Andy (The Book)

Chapter 6

Andy's pool team came in 4th out of 125 teams at the state tournament and he had a great time. The prize money for 4th almost covered the cost of gas to get to Albuquerque. He was asked to join several other teams for the spring session. He left his old team because, in his opinion, they were letting a less qualified member play this session. He joined a team that he felt had a better chance to win. And he joined a team from the Santa Fe division so he'd be driving to Santa Fe on Monday nights. He started seeing Dr. Lewis on a regular basis, Monday afternoons, knowing I'd never be able to argue against his spending gas money if he was seeing her.

If there wasn't a scheduled Monday night game, the children would generally ask to see Dr. Lewis on emergency, anyway. So, if Andy wasn't in Las Vegas, he was in Santa Fe. I figured it was progress that the children asked to see her, instead of waiting for a really big crisis to force them. It did make me wonder how I'd ever get to work, if I did get a job.

His chest pains weren't bothering him for a while. Then he worked one night, with Dennis at the cafe, and they were back. He missed a few nights of practice pool, but no games. A couple times he helped out Yolanda, on a Friday night, in exchange for his Dr. Pepper's and free pool time.

I had a few calls about work possibilities but nothing that worked out. I hoped, at least, I'd soon be called to work the census. And David did manage to find things for me to do in exchange for my massages, for a little while anyway. But mostly I stayed home, fighting the howling wind from spinning the TV antenna. And I was sick, fighting a chronic sinus infection that threatened towards bronchitis.

Andy had a convulsion, with his usual chest pains, one day when he was in Santa Fe seeing Dr. Lewis. She took him to see some sort of specialist who told Andy he had to quit playing pool and video games. Of course, this upset him and the children alters further. They set an appointment for him to come in for more tests.

Because he was upset he had more convulsions. He fell and hit his head, again. He'd told me, they said he could choke on his tongue, so of course he did. He was having a convulsion and gagging, pleading me, with a look, to grab his tongue. I wasn't sure that was what you supposed to do, not as I remembered it from when one of my special ed students had seizures. But I knew what he wanted and I did what I could to grab his tongue. I think it helped because it indicated to him that I wasn't going to let him choke.

It was obvious to me that the seizures happened when he got upset. I couldn't see any relationship to his pool playing or even his video games. He got in to see his doctor who agreed. They talked about more tests, and cancelled the ones with the specialist in Santa Fe. But Andy didn't sleep the night before the scheduled tests and ended up canceling them, again.

The local university allowed disabled people to swim for free and pretty much whenever the pool was open. Last spring and summer I went a few times, whenever I could coordinate my appointments in town with the schedule for the pool. But they were closed for a while at the end of the summer term and I never seemed to find them open to get a new schedule in the fall. I asked Andy to pick one up for me, because he had the car more often and spent more time in town. But all throughout the fall term and most of the winter term, he kept saying it was never open.

Then one day I went by the pool, found it open, and picked up a schedule of their hours. Swimming has always been the one thing I missed most from Florida. After all, like most Floridians, I learned to swim before I learned to walk. Not only is swimming the best exercise in the world, but I've never felt more free or alive as I do in the water.

The following day, I had an appointment with my worker at DVR, followed by an appointment with my psychiatrist 2 1/2 hours later. I told Andy I was going by the pool between appointments.

He got very upset and told me not to go. He started getting worse chest pains, again, and I was afraid he wasn't even going to let me keep my appointments. I told him, I needed to swim. It was the best exercise in the world, especially with my health problems. Besides which, my only recreation has been staring at the TV set. I insisted he tell me why I couldn't go to the pool.

He yelled at me, "Because there are men at the pool, and... Lesbians. I've seen them!"

I told him, "You hang out with people who drink beer, in smoky pool halls, and you're worried about the people I might meet at a university swimming pool? You have to trust me, I can take care of myself."  He said he was scared, and needed time to talk to Dr. Lewis more about it. I told him, I'd wait until next week, but no longer. I needed to swim. It was obvious he’d neglected to get me a pool schedule because he didn't want me to go to the pool.

He continued to get upset and told me to go swimming, he'd get over it. But then he started have mild heart attacks, and demanded I come home as soon as my last appointment was over.

As it turned out, I didn't have time to get to the pool between appointments anyway and I hurried home as I'd promised. Then he went to town to play pool. I believe that was the night he managed to find his doctor, too, which justified his going to town.

That was the beginning of several terrifying days, the kind of days that I'd thought were finally over. It wasn't alters taking over, as it was in the past, but Andy. He was influenced, of course, by the children alters, but it was Andy nonetheless.

One morning I was up well before Andy, after a frightening night of his verbal abuse and threats. I had never met Dr. Lewis, but I couldn't confront Andy again. I thought if I could just get a message to her, she could call and talk to him. I called Victory Hospital and asked to leave a message for Dr. Lewis who worked on the psych. unit. The operator said they didn't know a Dr. Lewis. About that time, Andy heard me on the phone and came into the kitchen screaming at me. He said Dr. Lewis had better things to do then deal with the "likes of me" and he grabbed the phone away.

Later he said that Dr. Lewis had an office in one of the buildings next to the hospital. He'd give me the number another time, he'd have to look it up, which, of course, wasn't true. Andy never had to look up a phone number, certainly not one as important as Dr. Lewis'.

I wanted to escape but had nowhere to go and not that much money. I didn't realize until days later when things were better, I had a bad bruise from a table he'd thrown the other day. It was an accident that the table hit me, but I could have used it as an indicator of abuse so they'd let me into the shelter for battered women in Santa Fe again.

I know I've mentioned Cynthia our goat, and Murray our sheep. They're great to have around in the summer because they mow the grass, but this was their first full winter with us. We realized right away that they were going to be very expensive to feed. Andy found someone who'd be willing to take them, as pets, and they wouldn't get butchered. I expected to give them away, but he kept changing his mind. Eventually it became evident it was his children alters who didn't want to give them away. The children said that Cynthia and Murray were their pets. Daisy (the dog) and Salem (the cat) were mine they said. Andy made it one of his priorities to buy alfalfa and sweet feed and give it to them every day. But they were greedy animals, and would continue to yell for more. We both know that feeding them when they're complaining the loudest just rewards their behavior, so we try to feed them when they're quiet. But Andy couldn't stand the noise and he'd get angry with them. He'd go out to their pen and threaten to kill them, and threaten to beat in their heads with a metal pipe. Then he'd throw rocks at them. I'd get upset with his behavior, as any kind of violence upsets me, sometimes uncontrollably. I just can't deal with it. And what upset him more, was when Cynthia escaped from the pen, repeatedly.

One day he chased Cynthia and threatened to kill her. He complained that she was causing his chest pains, and ordered me to call the man to come and take them.

I knew, if I called the man to come and get them, the children would blame me. They already distrusted me, often hated and feared me, though I'd done nothing to them. All I did was somehow remind them of something bad from the past, probably Andy's biological mother, Susan.

I became even more frightened. I thought he might kill Cynthia for escaping, maybe Murray too for not being quieter. But the children would never forgive me if I called the man to come and get them. Besides, the man probably thought we were completely crazy, considering the number of times we'd called him already changing our minds.

Andy got his keys, and told me he was going to town. He said Cynthia and Murray better be gone when he got back or he would kill them. He left the man's phone number on a piece of paper on the refrigerator. Then he was yelling that the car had a flat tire, again. As much as I was afraid to be around him, I was more afraid he'd have a heart attack, so I timidly asked if I could change it. He was adamant, no, he'd do it.

I was left with a no-win situation. I became hysterical, hiding in a corner, crying and rocking back and forth. I concentrated on not hitting my head on the wall, and not pulling out my hair. All I could think about was wishing I was dead. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was almost out of restoril, but I had a few ativan. I took out the bottle that held my clonidine and started counting them. But I knew there was no way I could do it. This was only about the millionth time in my life that I'd felt this way and I'd never been able to do it before, what would make me think I could do it this time.

I turned off the heat, the realization returning that I didn't deserve to be warm if I had to borrow money from my mother to do it. And even though I was very hungry I didn't eat, I didn't deserve food. Andy and I also had an argument that morning about food. I'd cooked three chicken leg quarters the night before and ate one. Andy ate at the Ringside. I'd thought we could each have one for lunch the next day, and planned to fix a vegetable to go with it. He got mad, said I'd eaten my share of the chicken the night before and now what's left was his. I had no life and no reason to even fight for one.

Time passed. I don't remember how much but when the phone distracted me from my agony I realized it was dark. I was sitting near the phone and I knew it was probably Andy. I seriously considered ignoring the phone, knowing I couldn't deal with anymore of his anger. I picked up on the 3rd ring, just before the answering machine. It was the usual collect call, with Andy quickly giving 7 digits instead of his name. I called back, using the 10-10 code for the 10cents/minute rate.

He sounded calm. He said he'd tried to call Dr. Lewis but she was gone for the weekend. He found Jim, however, and they arranged to meet at 5:30PM. He was at the tire store. A friend of his was fixing the tire for free, it had 6 nails in it. Nails flatten tires out here on a regular basis and we gave up a long time ago buying the better brand of tires. He said he left to prevent the fight from getting any worse and promised it was over. Yolanda needed him to help out from 9PM-midnight and it would be best for him to stay away for a while. He urged me to eat the rest of the chicken and try to relax and watch some TV. He said he'd talk to the children about finding another home for Cynthia and Murray but they weren't ready, yet. And he asked if Cynthia was in the pen. When I said "yes", he said "good".

By then the ativan I'd taken was helping and with the phone call I began to relax. I watched TV and went to bed about 11 o'clock. It helps me fall asleep if I can listen to soothing music, something I can't do when Andy is with me as he always complains it keeps him awake. I put on Enya, and usually I'm asleep well before it's over. But that night I was still awake. I continued to try and sleep, but the quiet got to me and I kept noticing the time on the clock. I got up and started the CD again. I'd learned not to worry about Andy when I'm not with him. There's nothing I can do. He could be at the hospital, he could be playing pool, he could be at Larry's or Joe's watching a movie or

playing video games.

The CD was just ending, the second time around, when he got home. He turned on a light in the kitchen and said hello. I asked if he was okay, and he said yes, he was late because he'd been called to help the police with a hostage situation.

He told me about it and I was pleased. I knew it must have been scary but felt it was good for him. It was just what I knew he was capable of and hoped someday we could do together. I asked him to tell you about it, or Annie and Grenudo since he said they were the ones who helped him.

It was over a year later that they finally were able to write it, but I put it here. This is it.

September, 1999

One night my detective friend had an urgent call about a hostage situation involving a D.I.D. just like me*. After Larry got the call he drove to the Ringside to pick me up where I was playing pool. On the way to the house Larry told me to get prepared for a dangerous encounter with a person that was very intoxicated and armed with a shotgun. When we got to the house other officers were already there to talk to him but that failed. That is when we were used for a peace talk to get him to surrender peacefully.

They put a bullet proof vest on me and a wire so they could hear what was going on inside the house. When I got to the door, I opened it slowly to see the barrel of his gun in my face. That's when I prayed for dear life. He started asking me if I was a cop. I told him no, but they sent me in to negotiate because I was their only hope without someone getting hurt*. Inside the house was his family begging for him to release them. But, he insisted we were all going to die for torturing him all his life, including myself when I didn't even know who he was.

He finally started to listen to what I was saying, about how I struggled all my life, when it dawned to him that we went through the same shit. He then told me that he saw little figures walking beside him. That is when I told him he had D.I.D., the same diagnosis as me and it could get better if he wanted it to. Finally, he heard his elderly mother begging for him to surrender. That is when he opened the door and let everybody go, accept me, for the reason that he wanted more info on the disorder. Larry made his way inside to find us talking on the sofa, about the disorder, which he found interesting. The man gave Larry his gun and asked for treatment. Larry told him he would get counseling after he saw the judge and explained what happened that made him do what he did. After it was all over I was scared and happy at the same time knowing that I helped someone get the right treatment for this disorder. It is not always diagnosed right the first time.

This story was brought to you buy Andy, Grenudo, and Annie, who survived another thriller in our life.

*(Actually, they knew he was a mental health client, Andy determined he was D.I.D. after talking to him.)

I asked Andy if he was sure the man would get the help, rather afraid he might get ignored. Andy said he was sure, as Larry was personally going to escort the man to see the judge so he could help explain if necessary. If there was any problem with the judge believing it, they would call Andy. Andy also had given them the name and phone number of his therapist in Santa Fe.

We both slept late Saturday morning after the hostage situation. My mother called, as usual on Saturdays. I'd been thinking of not answering the phone when she called, so I wouldn't get her upset over my "negative thinking". But I was over the upset of the past week and proud of Andy for helping another D.I.D. I told her about it and we discussed the weather.

Cynthia and Murray's house was falling down. It's made of scraps of wood, cardboard and pieces of tin. Between their rambunctiousness and the wind it didn't stand of chance of lasting much longer. The wind was a little less but since I'd been sick this last time I was still avoiding going out in it. I had shopping I still needed to do, but Andy didn't want to go to Las Vegas and I could see he needed to get his mind off things. I was concerned because I hadn't paid the phone bill, the electric bill or the car insurance yet, and the last two checks his mom had sent disappeared without me seeing a dime. But he assured me, if I wrote checks at the stores he had enough cash for lunch and gas. We needed an outing, both of us. I put thoughts of money, and doing without, out of my head and we went to Santa Fe.

We had a nice lunch, then I dropped Andy at the mall to exchange video games while I shopped at Target. We'd been out of so many things, but I shopped carefully and got only what we needed. Then I picked up Andy and he sat in the car while I shopped at Wild Oats. We always go there last because I buy perishable produce. I took even longer then usual, but he didn't come in to rush me along. Usually I get about halfway through my shopping when he finds me in the store to tell me his chest pains are bad and we have to leave, "now". It was refreshing to take the time I needed. He'd had chest pains, and one mild while sitting in the car. But he didn't get upset or even seem to mind.

The next time I'm freezing because we're out of propane I'll just have to remind myself why I love Andy so much. The last stop we made was the gas station. Gas prices were the highest they'd been in years so he only partially filled the tank, figuring he'd get more when he found it cheaper. Then he gave the last of our cash to some homeless people who were stranded at the gas station when their camper/pickup ran out of gas.

That's just so typical of him. How do you get angry with someone when they're so sweet, generous and caring of strangers? He said he just wouldn't buy any more Dr. Pepper's for a while.

On the way home I asked him, did your friend really fix the tire for free? He said yes. Then we weren't really out any money. What he gave those people was about what it should have cost to fix that tire with the 6 nails in it. What goes around, comes around. I realized that this was surely the most pleasant trip we'd ever had to Santa Fe.

One day Cynthia and Murray were acting especially annoying, yelling constantly that they wanted more food even though they had some. Cynthia escaped and in trying to put her in the pen, Murray got loose. Andy got Murray and I got Cynthia and we put them in the pen. Then as we were going to the house, Andy started yelling, "I'm covered in them, help me!"

I looked and he had several deer ticks on his pants, obviously from trying to tackle Murray. I got the tweezers and a small bowl of alcohol and he sat in a chair outside. I picked them off and put them in the alcohol. We both brushed our hair and checked our clothes, thoroughly. Then Andy said he was calling the man to come and get them, now the children agreed. They did not want to get Lyme disease and the ticks were the last straw.

Two elderly men came that afternoon in a battered old pickup truck. We both quizzed them, yes, they were sure they'd not be butchered. They had several goats and made goat cheese, and since Murray was Cynthia's best friend they'd take him, too. They had a friend who would shear him and use the wool.

They carefully loaded them into the truck and we followed to their house, down the frontage road to Tecolote, about eight miles. We watched Cynthia and Murray get settled in their new pen. There was a bigger pen with the other goats in it, one of them was Cynthia's mother who'd been given to the man the year before. He said that he'd put them in with the baby goats tomorrow once they'd gotten used to their new stall. Eventually they'd share the larger yard with everyone.

We went home and Andy said the children were upset at seeing the pen empty. So he called Oakdale and we went to visit his mom for a few days.

A week or two later David called, asking me to do some work in exchange for credits towards my massages. Andy had been going out playing pool two nights/week, minimum. He was having a lot of angina pains, and mild heart attacks, but I figured he could handle me gone that long. And heaven knew I needed the credit for my massages and I needed to get out. Then, at the last minute I had to phone David and cancel. As always, Andy was too sick for me to leave him alone. Andy had been suffering from a cold, of course complicated by his other medical conditions. When I said I was going to work, he called his M.D. and told him the cold was getting worse. He said it had turned into pneumonia and his doctor told him he shouldn't be left alone.

A few days later we made arrangements and went to Oakdale again. This time we went so that I could apply for work up there. The idea was that Andy could only feel safe either with me or with his mom to take care of him. I applied to work at the community college, and we would move up there if I got the job. Then he could stay with his mom while I worked.

But it wouldn't happen. He didn't feel that safe with his mom, after all. The second night we were there, we went to bed a few hours before her. That's normal, because she generally spends most of the night napping with her head on the kitchen table in front of the television set. She said later that she'd forgotten we were there. I tend to believe it was more a subtle reminder that we'd been there too long. Anyway, about 2AM I got up to go to the bathroom. I opened the door to the hallway and it was full of cigarette smoke. I had a major asthma attack, the worst I'd ever had. Andy woke and though he was mad at me for waking him, he did run to the living room for my inhaler. I had opened the bedroom window and it was all I could do not to push the screen completely out of the window trying to get to the fresh air.

I used my inhaler when he returned and begged him to open the back door so I could get outside. The doors are all double locked and often the key is hard to find, and I knew I couldn't breathe the hallway air long enough to open the door. Reluctantly, he did that and I sat on the freezing, cobweb covered back porch gasping for air. For about two hours, Andy kept coming out and telling me I had to come back in. He claimed the air inside was clear now and he was worried what the neighbors were thinking. I told him to leave the back door open for a while so the house could air, but he refused, saying his mom would get cold. I told him she wouldn't freeze if the temperature in the house fell 4 or 5 degrees, but I could freeze outside and I was still having trouble breathing. He got mad because I was "causing trouble". Eventually he admitted being afraid that his mom would get mad at him for wasting the heat in the house by opening any windows or doors.

Eventually I let him talk me into coming indoors and I immediately had another asthma attack. I got to the bedroom and again put my head out the window. It was too soon to use my inhaler again, and I started chewing cough drops. I begged him to take me to the hospital for a breathing treatment and he said he couldn't, he'd gone numb again. Then he said he couldn't because his mom wouldn't understand. I tried to explain that people die of asthma attacks, but then he went numb again. I told him I was going to drive myself to the nearest hospital, about 40 miles away. I could do it if I stayed calm and breathed really shallow. Then he said he couldn't be left alone. I reminded him the idea of coming to Oakdale was so his mom could take care of him when I couldn't. That's when he said he was afraid to stay alone with her, besides he'd told her to go to bed and she had.

Eventually he pulled out of his last attack and started loading the car. He told his mom that he was taking me to the hospital in Las Vegas and we'd go home from there. By the time I got to the hospital it was after 6:30 AM and I'd begun to think I'd never make it. He left me there, and sat in the car while I got a breathing treatment. We went to breakfast after that, neither of us had slept for more then minutes and the night had been major stressful.

The next afternoon I ended up going to the emergency room again. They gave me 3 more breathing treatments, steroids in a vein, x-rays and prescriptions for antibiotics and a decreasing dose of the steroid. They didn't want me to drive myself home, but there was no one to get me. I had an hour wait for the prescriptions so I went and ate. It was after 7PM and I was used to eating lunch about 3PM. I was also late in taking my blood pressure pill for the afternoon and didn't have my calcium/magnesium pill that I needed to take with meals to control my restless legs at night. I called Andy from the restaurant and let him know what was happening, as I'd been in the ER for over 5 hours. 

Again it was major stressful, expensive because of prescriptions and as it was it took me forever to recover, physically. Then for days my blood sugar was scary high because of the steroid, frightening me so bad the night of the injection that I called the ER in a panic about midnight.

Sufficient to say, moving to Oakdale was not going to be the solution after all. And the job had looked promising.

 

The day that we last went to Oakdale, I was supposed to have seen David for a massage. But he stood me up. I was concerned at what had happened to him, but not overly. David and I had known each other since I moved to Las Vegas and I knew he'd explain and make it up to me. I was in a lot of pain from my fibromyalgia because for weeks one of us had been canceling.

We left phone messages for each other and arranged to meet at our usual time the following week. But the following week David was late, he hadn't been home to turn on the heat in the office and he had several "emergencies" on his mind. It was obvious that he was stressed and needed someone to talk to about things. He knew that I'd been a therapist and we'd often talked unofficially. I knew eventually he'd come to me if he needed and now he did. He said he'd give me credit for two massages in exchange for an hour of therapy. Plus he was going to give me credits for the one's he'd had to cancel.

I told him Andy wasn't feeling good and I couldn't leave him alone too long. We agreed that I'd go home and come back in the evening. We talked briefly about how he could psych himself up to give the proper treatment to his next three scheduled and paying patients and I left.

When I got home, Andy'd had some chest pains but overall seemed to be dealing with it. He was upstairs playing video games with the children alters and had the stereo playing loudly. I took it as a good sign and I patiently tried to explain that I was going to go back in a few hours and help David sort through the things that were overwhelming him. I told him he could come and I'd leave him playing pool or with Larry if he wanted. Or he could stay home and do just what he was doing, I wouldn't be gone that long.

He seemed okay about it at first. Then he said he didn't like the idea. Then he started getting agitated. He started getting dressed and said he was going with me. He said that he was going to have "a friend" watch us, because he didn't trust David. Eventually he started telling me things that I just didn't believe.

I thought his alters had stopped putting lies in his head, and I had accepted everything he'd told me for years. But what he was telling me now was upsetting. Was he making up stories to upset me, or keep me from David? He said that Larry had police reports he'd show me that proved David was charged with drunken driving and sexual assault, all in the last couple of months. This made no sense.

Andy said a girl that he played pool with had told him that David had abused her. I didn't believe it. But I couldn't call Andy a liar, as that would only make him defensive. Plus I couldn't deal with being controlled, but of course he'd get defensive if I accused him of controlling me.

He said that he'd told Dr. Lewis and she agreed he should tell me I can't see David. That was even more unbelievable. Then he got mad because- he said- I wouldn't let him tell me how he felt. He said I cared more about David then I did about him.

I told him I did listen to him and I would take into consideration his feelings and be aware. I told him, that whether he trusted David or not, he must trust me to take care of myself. I could walk away from a situation if it became unsafe. I reminded him that I'd known David for years, and I knew his children who were happy and adjusted with him being the primary caregiver. I reminded him that if he heard anything negative like that it obviously came from his ex-wife, who was prejudiced and still upset over his getting custody of their daughters.

Andy threatened to hurt himself if I went. I begged for Grenudo and asked him to take care of Andy. I had to be trusted to make rational choices about what I do, and to take care of myself. At the last minute he said "go" and I did. It rather scared me, but I felt I had to do it. He needed to be able to trust me, and he needed to learn that he didn't control my life. I loved him, but I'd reached the limit of how much I'd let him manipulate.

When I got to David's, Andy had already called there. He'd told David that he'd fallen down the stairs, hit his head, and was having seizures. He said he needed me to come home, "Now". Andy had urged me to tell David what he'd said, and I felt I owed David the explanation. It would take me 1/2 hour to get back anyway, how much more could I help Andy by rushing.

I called home and Andy answered. He said he was numb, had fallen down the stairs, hit his head and was having seizures. He said that he couldn't talk, but I reminded him that he was talking. He said, forget it, he'd call Larry to come and get him and he hung up on me.

I told David about it, meanwhile praying that Andy would be okay. Of course, David denied all the charges Andy had posed. I knew he would, as I knew they weren't true. I explained to David how Andy's fears, based on his abuse, had taken over. Andy was incapable of being rational at this point, especially when it came to any charges related to sexual abuse.

It rather upset David because he was afraid a friend of his ex-wife could be the girl who played pool. She'd slandered him before. Otherwise there couldn't be anything to it. I told him not to worry about it, I'd find out the girl's name just in case it was her. But more then likely, I told him, it was all in Andy's head. He seemed to be able to understand and be concerned about Andy. I told him I'd be in touch and I headed home.

I'd already been gone for an hour and I prayed that Andy had pulled out of it or gotten a hold of Larry. I knew that either way, he'd want to go to Santa Fe the next day to see Dr. Lewis. So I made a last minute decision to stop at the pharmacy before leaving town, to pick up a prescription that I needed, just in case I couldn't get there the next day. It took longer then I thought it would and I felt bad about leaving Andy alone that long when he was obviously so distraught.

When I got home, Andy was still lying at the foot of the stairs in a very awkward position. His head was on a metal stair, his hands around a balustrade and his feet twisted above him on a chair. He wasn't having a seizure or unable to talk but he was unable to move. He said he'd been there for three hours (an exaggeration because I'd been gone barely two). He had the phone by him and said he'd tried calling for help every time he started to pull out of it. But before he could get up, he'd go numb again or have seizures. I lifted his head and put a pillow under it and I handed him the mono-bodies of Grenudo and Wisdom.

He said that Larry wasn't answering his phone, but that he talked to Dr. Lewis. He said that she was going to get him into a residential program and that I'd never see him again. He said I didn't care about him, and he didn't care about me anymore either.

Finally I got him up and into the bed. He had several more mild attacks, numbness, trouble breathing and seizures. He still had congestion from a cold and I tried to lift him so he could breathe.

I saw no sense in arguing and tried to just take care of immediate needs. But as he pulled out of it and began to feel better we ended up talking more. He was angry because he felt I cared more about David. He was angry because I didn't listen, and he continued with the accusations. He stalked out of the house and swore I'd never see him again.

This time I didn't chase him. I just prayed that he'd be okay and that his alters would take care of him. For my mental and physical health, I had to let go this time. I laid down on the bed and tried to center myself, asking God to take care of Andy.

Eventually he came back into the house and I heard a frightened child crying that his dad was there and was going to kill him. He wept that his dad had a gun to his head, his dad made him tell lies about David and now his dad was going to kill him. And then he said, "Now you'll leave us for good, and you'll never believe anything we say again."

I got out of bed and went to the kitchen where Andy was trembling and leaning on the sink. I told him his dad wasn't here, and that he was safe. And I told him I'd not leave as long as he was honest and talking about it. It took me awhile but I finally comforted him and got him into bed.

I reminded him that his father was drunk and in Albuquerque with no idea where we were or how to get here. I told him he had to trust me and his alters to help him recognize reality. We'd help protect him from the past repeating itself.

He said that his chest pains, heart attacks and seizures, as well as these delusions that his dad or Susan were here threatening him, were all results of the harsh therapy he'd been going through with Dr. Lewis. We talked about him taking a few weeks off from therapy, but he promised he'd not quit. And we talked about David. He asked me to call and explain to David and I agreed I would. I also suggested he apologize, if not in person, at least in a note. Grenudo agreed that would be a good idea and Andy said he'd do it.