My other stories

March 12, 2017

I live in an apt. complex for elderly and disabled. We have an inspection tomorrow and I've been working on getting rid of stuff so this place doesn't look so bad and I can pass inspection. If I don't pass, I could be back in the streets.

But I had to stop and write about what just happened, as I'm overwhelmed with emotions. Pictures and even more so, letters, from the past, have me crying and I'm not even understanding what it all means.

I've sat down to do this before, and it's not any easier. The first time was when I got my cedar chest back from Andy, about 8? years ago. (I was living in a complex for elderly and; disabled, then, too- and I got kicked out of there... another story for another time.) Anyway, in that cedar chest were memories from my past, that I'd forgotten completely.

I ended up hospitalized twice that year. I guess I can take it back- it is easier. I don't feel like I'll end up hospitalized over it, this time. And I remember things, not perfectly, but enough they don't surprise me like they did years ago.

But I still don't understand what the emotions mean.

Family pictures are pleasant memories now, though I very much miss having family. I grew up with aunts,uncles and cousins all around me. We had picnics often, probably 10-15 times a year. We'd gather outdoors in the middle where all the properties came together where we had an above ground, 3½ foot deep, swimming pool. We'd have 2 to 6 wooden picnic tables, depending on how many came, and up to 40 or 50 lawn chairs depending. My dad and my uncles cooked over barbecue grills, and the women brought side dishes. Funny, but I mostly remember Aunt Margaret bringing food- she probably didn't cook much more than anyone else, but she brought things like chicken livers which seemed strange. People did eat them, though, just not me. I recall helping make potato salad, that would be something my mother would make.

My dad and my uncles often argued, and at one time the memories of their arguments upset me. But, not anymore. I'm pretty sure I was able to stay far enough away to not get too upset at the time the actual arguments took place when I was a child.

I think I've felt sad that I am so alone now. I only have one cousin I ever talk to, and I didn't call him this Christmas and he didn't call me. The rest are scattered and I don't even know exactly where they are. I do know they haven't contacted me in decades, which hurts. Don't they want to know what I'm doing with my life? I sure would want to be a part of their life, if they'd let me. There's a painful emptiness inside me when I realize my life means nothing to any of them. Crying, again.......

But the greater crying came when I looked at mail from my former co-workers from when I was a case manager at 45^th Street Mental Health. When I first got my cedar chest back the mail and other posters they made for me were a complete surprise, as if I'd never seen them before.

I had respect when I was working at 45^th Street Mental Health. I had people who were missing me, who wrote several times after I left. But I was so broken I couldn't believe it. And I continue to cry when I think of how I almost was someone....... That was 25 years ago. I wonder if anyone from my past even remembers me today and I wonder how they would see me today. Am I somebody? And if so, am I somebody that matters, someone who can make a difference to anyone, or am I just taking up space :'( Will I ever be loved or respected by anyone? :'(

Two of the letters I read were from one of the psychiatrists, who wrote to me as a peer, signing her name as Lydia. :'( I talked with the psychiatrists regularly about patients when I worked there, but still never thought of them as a peer. They were doctors, I was-... not. Not good enough, even then, to be ever imagine being seen as a peer of a doctor.

I think some of that came, not only from the negatives my parents sent my way about myself- but from my father's self-talk. I'll write more about my father another time.

And I did let myself be seen as a peer of another medical doctor in recent times. Of course, she was much younger, so that made it easier. I'll write about that another time, too.